Epiphany.

Night is my time, 1 a.m. my hour.

I realized tonight what I've been holding on to, and what I need to let go of.

He was like a dream, someone I never expected and was shocked to encounter. I don't know what I was to him, except a secret.

And as much as I yearn for him, I realize now that it's only the idea of him. That right now, he is not what I need or want or -- an even scarier thought -- what I deserve. He's someone else's, but he does not deserve to be anyone's. I'm not sure he knows how.

He isn't a good person, not now. Maybe he will be a good man one day, after he's been burned and scarred by someone he cared for deeply -- only then will he realize what he did to the women whom he claimed from the glittering rooftops, and the women he claimed in the stealth of the night.

I extinguished my dignity for him, my integrity. Despite what I knew to be wrong, I let him lead me astray and I think I've hated a small part of myself for that for a long time. I hurt someone I don't even really know because of him, almost without a second thought at the time.

Regret. I can't regret him, because he changed me. But I do regret who I was for that brief time because of him. That's not who I am at my core, but I was a terrible person for him.

I don't like believing that I deserve anything. I don't think I've really done anything to deserve something else. And who am I to make that kind of call? I think that I'll just know when he shows up. I think something inside of me will say oh hey, there you are. I'll know that he's what I need.

But I'll tell you this one last thing: integrity and dignity and values and self respect, those are the things worth holding on to at the end of the day, and if there's someone next to you when you lay down to sleep, they had best be someone who improves those four things, every damn second you spend together or apart.